so lately i've noticed how unintentional i can be. how i think an awful lot about things i should do, or say, and just simply don't do it, or say it. weather i second guess myself or i'm just lazy - it's not good.
i've decided to challenge myself to be intentional about at least one thing specifically each day and i'm writing about it over at www.strivingforintention.blogspot.com
this doesn't mean the sunny side of life at the villa villekulla is going down, but for right now, i'm gonna really focus on this daily challenge of striving for intention. i'm really desiring a stretching, a growing, a ... something, and perhaps this is it? if you feel so inclined, i'd like to personally take this time to invite you over there with me. let's just see what God has in store.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
counting the ways He loves
spawned on by ann voskamp's book one thousand gifts i am on a hunt, counting the many things throughout my days that i am thankful for; counting the many ways in which He loves me...
#42. long drives north in the spring.
#48. sleepless nights cuddling baby girl who is growing sooo fast
#49. a young son who wants to be held more
#79. flower sprouts that push up dirt
#93. children waking with a desire for morning devotions
#99. peace that lands in my heart when prayer is whispered to dark threatening clouds
#106. creaking wheels of tricycle ridden by generations of young children
#108. the sound of new leaves shifting against one another on a cool breeze
#111. smiles that infect the corners of eyes
#121. garlic bulbs round and fragrant kept protected by their own grown paper
#124. sisters in Christ who share and love and listen and encourage and help to grow me
#125. bright orange carrots, crunchy, fresh fully fragrant of earth and sweetness
#129. fresh cut roses bunched in narrow bottle, fragrant and color deepening on kitchen table
#133. quiet moments full of gratitude
#134. kitchen clean and waiting for another adventure with food, school, coffee, tea, dancing, stolen kisses with husband...with all that spills over with life
#140. house quiet and filling with lite, early, morning rays; expectation heavy in the air
#150. noticing a morning dove enjoying bird seed loving placed by one who loves morning doves
#151. crunchy garlic rubbed bread dressed with oil, basil and tomato
#152. hugs given and hugs received by tiny hands yet mighty hands and arms
#42. long drives north in the spring.
#48. sleepless nights cuddling baby girl who is growing sooo fast
#49. a young son who wants to be held more
#79. flower sprouts that push up dirt
#93. children waking with a desire for morning devotions
#99. peace that lands in my heart when prayer is whispered to dark threatening clouds
#106. creaking wheels of tricycle ridden by generations of young children
#108. the sound of new leaves shifting against one another on a cool breeze
#111. smiles that infect the corners of eyes
#121. garlic bulbs round and fragrant kept protected by their own grown paper
#124. sisters in Christ who share and love and listen and encourage and help to grow me
#125. bright orange carrots, crunchy, fresh fully fragrant of earth and sweetness
#129. fresh cut roses bunched in narrow bottle, fragrant and color deepening on kitchen table
#133. quiet moments full of gratitude
#134. kitchen clean and waiting for another adventure with food, school, coffee, tea, dancing, stolen kisses with husband...with all that spills over with life
#140. house quiet and filling with lite, early, morning rays; expectation heavy in the air
#150. noticing a morning dove enjoying bird seed loving placed by one who loves morning doves
#151. crunchy garlic rubbed bread dressed with oil, basil and tomato
#152. hugs given and hugs received by tiny hands yet mighty hands and arms
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
friends? check yes or no
remember when it was as easy as taking your seat on the bus or in class, or asking the other girls at the slide for your own turn, then BAM! instantly, friends were made. now at 32 years of age i am floundering. it's easy to ask myself why? what is wrong with me? am i too boring? but i have to be quick to cast away the enemy. some times i am quick, sometimes i am not.
of coarse when i am invited out, in all my excitement and anxious nerves, i forget how to behave. my appetite flees, i run at the mouth with nothing to say, or i am so worried that i will say or do the something "wrong," that i do nothing at all, say nothing at all, and leave. what has happened to me? i am child of the King! created in His image, injected with the personality He desired for me, and still, i flounder.
today i received a call. tired and unable to communicate at any proper level i listened to someone tell me what a disappointment i was as a friend. that i didn't reciprocate our friendship in the manner that was expected. i think i might have even laughed a little, between sobs, and i know i said, "well i guess i just don't understand how the world works."
it is a fear of mine that i am now fully quite excited to embrace. here it is: the fear that staying home with my children, no car during the day, only traveling to church and the grocery store and the occasional farmers market and local hard wear store, that i won't remember the ways of the world. that i will loose whatever culture i ever had (being raised in a quite plain community, really?).
after this phone call i felt horrible. my guts would have felt better had i been able to loose them and my head would have stopped pounding, maybe, had it been severed. i prayed. i sang, "what a friend we have in Jesus." i prayed. i got angry and i prayed some more. i even made a quick phone call somewhere in the midst of all that, and was told i was "sweet." i almost corrected this person, "no, in fact i am quite terrible friend." i don't remember what i said to that "sweet" comment but i am sure i made it awkward.
in a fit of clenched teeth prayer, tears rolling down hot cheeks, here is what i was reminded , "i am a child of the King. given this personality, heart, soul, by He who formed the earth God Himself. He loves me. He loves me the way i am. i am the way He designed me, He even understands my flesh better then i, or an enemy who seeks to destroy. where my heart has scars are now fresh bruises, but in there, on top of the mess, is room for grace. not only grace for me from Him, but grace for the first caller of the day. for the one who slung words of a friendship that did not return what was given. no way, were those words spoken out of a desire for blood. they came from another place. a place that too had been used to be treated badly, rotten and ugly. the accusations came from a heart also unsure how to behave in this world. because really, we who are Loved and Blessed are not of this world (romans 2:12) and this is not our home. and in this world with it's many wounds are just tons and tons of others who are fumbling through, trying to find their way, trying figure it all out. and perhaps we never will. perhaps that is all okay?
perhaps, just perhaps, if we all treded a little lighter, slowed down the pace, just a little more, took the time to look and see and reflect, we would see that we are all in this together, bruised and scarred. that everyone really needs a good friend. that being an acquaintance of many, and having not just one friend, tried and true, is better by far because how much more easier, sweeter is the song then sung?
what a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
o what peace we often forfeit, o what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!
have we trials and temptations? is there trouble anywhere? we should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer. can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer.
are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Saviour, still our refuge - take it to the Lord in prayer. do thy friends despise forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer; in His arms He'll take and shield thee, thou wilt find a solace there.
of coarse when i am invited out, in all my excitement and anxious nerves, i forget how to behave. my appetite flees, i run at the mouth with nothing to say, or i am so worried that i will say or do the something "wrong," that i do nothing at all, say nothing at all, and leave. what has happened to me? i am child of the King! created in His image, injected with the personality He desired for me, and still, i flounder.
today i received a call. tired and unable to communicate at any proper level i listened to someone tell me what a disappointment i was as a friend. that i didn't reciprocate our friendship in the manner that was expected. i think i might have even laughed a little, between sobs, and i know i said, "well i guess i just don't understand how the world works."
it is a fear of mine that i am now fully quite excited to embrace. here it is: the fear that staying home with my children, no car during the day, only traveling to church and the grocery store and the occasional farmers market and local hard wear store, that i won't remember the ways of the world. that i will loose whatever culture i ever had (being raised in a quite plain community, really?).
after this phone call i felt horrible. my guts would have felt better had i been able to loose them and my head would have stopped pounding, maybe, had it been severed. i prayed. i sang, "what a friend we have in Jesus." i prayed. i got angry and i prayed some more. i even made a quick phone call somewhere in the midst of all that, and was told i was "sweet." i almost corrected this person, "no, in fact i am quite terrible friend." i don't remember what i said to that "sweet" comment but i am sure i made it awkward.
in a fit of clenched teeth prayer, tears rolling down hot cheeks, here is what i was reminded , "i am a child of the King. given this personality, heart, soul, by He who formed the earth God Himself. He loves me. He loves me the way i am. i am the way He designed me, He even understands my flesh better then i, or an enemy who seeks to destroy. where my heart has scars are now fresh bruises, but in there, on top of the mess, is room for grace. not only grace for me from Him, but grace for the first caller of the day. for the one who slung words of a friendship that did not return what was given. no way, were those words spoken out of a desire for blood. they came from another place. a place that too had been used to be treated badly, rotten and ugly. the accusations came from a heart also unsure how to behave in this world. because really, we who are Loved and Blessed are not of this world (romans 2:12) and this is not our home. and in this world with it's many wounds are just tons and tons of others who are fumbling through, trying to find their way, trying figure it all out. and perhaps we never will. perhaps that is all okay?
perhaps, just perhaps, if we all treded a little lighter, slowed down the pace, just a little more, took the time to look and see and reflect, we would see that we are all in this together, bruised and scarred. that everyone really needs a good friend. that being an acquaintance of many, and having not just one friend, tried and true, is better by far because how much more easier, sweeter is the song then sung?
what a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
o what peace we often forfeit, o what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!
have we trials and temptations? is there trouble anywhere? we should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer. can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer.
are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Saviour, still our refuge - take it to the Lord in prayer. do thy friends despise forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer; in His arms He'll take and shield thee, thou wilt find a solace there.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
out of the dark
the clock ticks and seconds turn into minutes. mintues turn into days. days into weeks and weeks give birth to months. children grow at the speed of life and life moves faster then sound and i am all a wonder. how fast it all seems, even though, in each indiviual second, presently, they seem, to tick by, so slowley.
winter was long, dark often and cold. watching icicles freeze a valley that i once watched bloom with color and fragrance, it seemed to never thaw. thankfully it did, and just when it seemed that spring was embracing the winter in a warm hug good-bye, my heart, once longing, eagerly awaiting, was so used to spring not showing up, had buried itself in a deep hole. climbed right in and chose to stay. april showers rained and rained and rained and my heart sprouted nothing green, nothing colorful, nothing fragrant.
why does this happen? setting my heart on spring to bring the hope of something new and exciting and different. when it arrives, as it does every year, my heart did not rejoice but burrowed deeper in a familiar winter hibernation den.
depression has been my on-again-off-again for more years then i can remember. even as a young girl. the only reason i could give mommy for my tears (that would rest her heart anyway) was that i had a belly ache. the belly ache never exhausted. ever. but that pink thick liquid was kept in the fridge and i'd drink it and mommy would relax and i would feel bad for not knowing why my heart was heavy. for not understanding why the tears would not stop. i grew and life would happen. some good and some not so good. depression would come and depression would go. brought on by loss, brought on by nothing at all.
i share because the more i do, the more i find that others feel the same. that others go through the same. that others are afraid to share, and that others don't know, that a lot of others, feel the same.
i share to remind myself that God is big. bigger then i can comprehend. God is conqueror, over this whole entire world. to remind myself that tasting the dark, seeing it through, is expecting to taste the light. to feel it again on my face, my shoulders, my back, and in my heart. that if i can stand firm in the dark short days of winter, i can stand firm in the light long days of summer. that feeling the negative days of life, like counting numbers in the negative, helps me to appreciate the positive days of life, like counting numbers in the positive.
does all this make life a deeper experience? is all this the tasting of how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (ephesians 3:17niv) am i not building a life abundant? am i not blessed because of all the mourning?
either way, i am glad i am coming out of the dark. thankful to be marking my minutes, hours, days and weeks by choosing joy, purposefully. by counting all the ways He loves by penning all the things i love, that He has gifted.
i am reading ann voskamp's book one thousand gifts and choosing to take ink to paper and writing my way - His way, out of the dark by practicing eucharisteo. he who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that i may show him the salvation of God. psalm 50:23
because even in the dark, their is much to be thankful for, and the more i see it, the brighter it becomes. now this is not a prescription for depression and some may in fact need a 'script, but how much more helpful is it to note, literally, script a running list of blessings. like that old hymn says count our blessings, naming them one by one. count our many blessings to see what God has done for you and for me and what He has gifted. for how many of us can add another day to our lives by thinking on the worst of it? i am glad to be coming out of the dark. i am glad for a thankful heart, for their is much to give thanks for.
winter was long, dark often and cold. watching icicles freeze a valley that i once watched bloom with color and fragrance, it seemed to never thaw. thankfully it did, and just when it seemed that spring was embracing the winter in a warm hug good-bye, my heart, once longing, eagerly awaiting, was so used to spring not showing up, had buried itself in a deep hole. climbed right in and chose to stay. april showers rained and rained and rained and my heart sprouted nothing green, nothing colorful, nothing fragrant.
why does this happen? setting my heart on spring to bring the hope of something new and exciting and different. when it arrives, as it does every year, my heart did not rejoice but burrowed deeper in a familiar winter hibernation den.
depression has been my on-again-off-again for more years then i can remember. even as a young girl. the only reason i could give mommy for my tears (that would rest her heart anyway) was that i had a belly ache. the belly ache never exhausted. ever. but that pink thick liquid was kept in the fridge and i'd drink it and mommy would relax and i would feel bad for not knowing why my heart was heavy. for not understanding why the tears would not stop. i grew and life would happen. some good and some not so good. depression would come and depression would go. brought on by loss, brought on by nothing at all.
i share because the more i do, the more i find that others feel the same. that others go through the same. that others are afraid to share, and that others don't know, that a lot of others, feel the same.
i share to remind myself that God is big. bigger then i can comprehend. God is conqueror, over this whole entire world. to remind myself that tasting the dark, seeing it through, is expecting to taste the light. to feel it again on my face, my shoulders, my back, and in my heart. that if i can stand firm in the dark short days of winter, i can stand firm in the light long days of summer. that feeling the negative days of life, like counting numbers in the negative, helps me to appreciate the positive days of life, like counting numbers in the positive.
does all this make life a deeper experience? is all this the tasting of how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (ephesians 3:17niv) am i not building a life abundant? am i not blessed because of all the mourning?
either way, i am glad i am coming out of the dark. thankful to be marking my minutes, hours, days and weeks by choosing joy, purposefully. by counting all the ways He loves by penning all the things i love, that He has gifted.
i am reading ann voskamp's book one thousand gifts and choosing to take ink to paper and writing my way - His way, out of the dark by practicing eucharisteo. he who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that i may show him the salvation of God. psalm 50:23
because even in the dark, their is much to be thankful for, and the more i see it, the brighter it becomes. now this is not a prescription for depression and some may in fact need a 'script, but how much more helpful is it to note, literally, script a running list of blessings. like that old hymn says count our blessings, naming them one by one. count our many blessings to see what God has done for you and for me and what He has gifted. for how many of us can add another day to our lives by thinking on the worst of it? i am glad to be coming out of the dark. i am glad for a thankful heart, for their is much to give thanks for.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
be still and know that I am God
this past week areas of our country were touched by torrents of wind, rain, golf ball size hail. an angry sky fierce with tremendous power. my kids and i were out in the worst part of it that touched our area. driving and trying to see through rain drops thick as milk in a wind that wanted to push the car into the field we drove past. the radio making that horrible sound that screams "pay attention now!!!" and my my daughter repeating "uh-oh music" and my son asking where is the tornado noah is talking about?" my prayers were answered and we arrived home safely as i wondered 'why in the world did i think it necessary to be at wallmart at 7:00am?' up early it had felt like 11:30 but we reached our home safely and i was full of praise for the tremendous display of only a tiny bit of what God is capable of.
later in the day i hear how very easy we had it. we still had each other, over 300 dead in the south. we still had our health, how many were hurt and wounded down there? we played in a warm, dry home that stood right where we bought. right where it was built. a very comfortable living position of upright. my stomach in knots most of the day, wondering how many souls were taken from this world who may have not been ready. how many souls were rejoicing with Jesus this dark stormy day.
again driving down a long bending road past fields, unusually under water, my eyes drifted up. the clouds hoovered low and were bumpy. like the under side of a hand. the palm side. and i heard it, "be still and know that I am God." (psalm 46:10a) and my eyes rained down much like the sky did earlier, only this a quiet, peace filled, thankful rain.
no matter the storm. no matter the tornado. no matter who is taken. who is missing. where my house stands or if my house stands at all. no matter if my health is good or...gulp, weather my children sit in the back seat peaceful and fine with me or not. He is God. He is good, all the time. He doesn't change. ever. it is He who holds this world in the palm of His hands. maybe those bumpy low clouds were His hands. maybe, just maybe this stormy day could have been worse up north. maybe just maybe we could have had it like they did in the south. maybe? .... maybe.
His hands. bumpy and low. soft and bubbly. He spins this world and brings what we can handle through His Son and i am reminded each time i let Him remind me, that it is He that is in control. that no matter how hard i squinted, i wasn't going to see clear threw that milk thick rain. no matter how tightly i gripped the steering wheel we weren't going to be any safer. if He wanted us, we'd be there with Him. He wants us here, and so we are. no matter how much i worry, or fear it will not change that He can and will do what He will do. that today i will not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself and that each day has enough trouble of its own (matthew 6:34)
"be still and know that I am God," i heard it every time i looked up at those low bumpy clouds. each time seeing huge-gigantic hands. 'He's got this," i think to myself. 'it's His world. i'm His gal.' and i was still, and i knew, that He was and is God. mighty. powerful. still, i have yet to see just how much.
later i look up the verse i kept hearing, psalm 46:10b says I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. i smile and cannot wait for this to come. in the mean time i decide to get a jump start on this and i exalted Him here in my small part of this nation. my stomach relaxed i praise Him who is worthy to be praised and i start counting my blessings that i can be still, and know that He is God. that i can rest peaceful knowing, having seen Him, holding this world in the palm of His hands.
later in the day i hear how very easy we had it. we still had each other, over 300 dead in the south. we still had our health, how many were hurt and wounded down there? we played in a warm, dry home that stood right where we bought. right where it was built. a very comfortable living position of upright. my stomach in knots most of the day, wondering how many souls were taken from this world who may have not been ready. how many souls were rejoicing with Jesus this dark stormy day.
again driving down a long bending road past fields, unusually under water, my eyes drifted up. the clouds hoovered low and were bumpy. like the under side of a hand. the palm side. and i heard it, "be still and know that I am God." (psalm 46:10a) and my eyes rained down much like the sky did earlier, only this a quiet, peace filled, thankful rain.
no matter the storm. no matter the tornado. no matter who is taken. who is missing. where my house stands or if my house stands at all. no matter if my health is good or...gulp, weather my children sit in the back seat peaceful and fine with me or not. He is God. He is good, all the time. He doesn't change. ever. it is He who holds this world in the palm of His hands. maybe those bumpy low clouds were His hands. maybe, just maybe this stormy day could have been worse up north. maybe just maybe we could have had it like they did in the south. maybe? .... maybe.
His hands. bumpy and low. soft and bubbly. He spins this world and brings what we can handle through His Son and i am reminded each time i let Him remind me, that it is He that is in control. that no matter how hard i squinted, i wasn't going to see clear threw that milk thick rain. no matter how tightly i gripped the steering wheel we weren't going to be any safer. if He wanted us, we'd be there with Him. He wants us here, and so we are. no matter how much i worry, or fear it will not change that He can and will do what He will do. that today i will not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself and that each day has enough trouble of its own (matthew 6:34)
"be still and know that I am God," i heard it every time i looked up at those low bumpy clouds. each time seeing huge-gigantic hands. 'He's got this," i think to myself. 'it's His world. i'm His gal.' and i was still, and i knew, that He was and is God. mighty. powerful. still, i have yet to see just how much.
later i look up the verse i kept hearing, psalm 46:10b says I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. i smile and cannot wait for this to come. in the mean time i decide to get a jump start on this and i exalted Him here in my small part of this nation. my stomach relaxed i praise Him who is worthy to be praised and i start counting my blessings that i can be still, and know that He is God. that i can rest peaceful knowing, having seen Him, holding this world in the palm of His hands.
Friday, April 22, 2011
life abundant
sitting deep in a puddle of grief, i bow my head in whispered prayer, and i hear it, "life abundant" whispered back to me. i ignore it. "life abundant" i keep praying because i don't understand it. "life abundant" and it wouldn't make sense to me if i asked, right? "life abundant" and there it is again, "life abundant" and so i am quiet. sitting still. "life abundant"
"okay Lord, what does that mean?" i ask Him in a tone that is clearly punishable.
silence. i ask, "a full life? ...full of what? grief?" still i am short tempered and He is so gracious.
"abundant grief."
and i know that blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted ( matthew 5:4 ) and a women asked me, "where's the blessing in this?" her son taken in a car wreck. i had no proper words to speak back to her. floundering i tried, "the blessing in the grief we feel is the deep comfort that comes only from He who is Comfort." and i know it's not what she wants to hear and that this and all it's painful blisters upon our hearts is part of life abundant? a life full of Grace?
death was not part of His plan but we've been tasting it since the fall. for if, by the trespass of the one man [adam], death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in the life through the one man, Jesus Christ. ( romans 5:17) still, He has mercy and extends His comfort so deeply for those who mourn that we are blessed. to taste death and to feel it's bitterness melting into my tongue and its tight grief-grip around my heart, and if i let Him get close enough He'll comfort me to the point of a blessing. and i will emerge lighter and closer to Him for it.
life abundant. full life. that kind of "drinking from my saucer" kind of full and my lap is wet with an abundant tidal wave of tears. and compassion. and love. and i except the good with the bad from a God who is good all the time and more faithful then i could ever be at my best.
later this day i reach for my bible in a strange almost-drop-it kind of reach because i don't want to get up out of my warm bed. it's quite a reach. finally...got...it...my bible opens funny on my lap to jeremiah 33. i look down and my eyes rest on it; and i know this was a Divine strange almost-drop-it kind of reach because it speaks to me affirmations of how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that i may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (ephesians 3:18) and my eyes cloud over as i read the words and i have to squeeze out the love tears so that i can read the verse to the end: jeremiah 33:6 nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. knowing full well this is no way to study my bible, i just can't help but think, this is part of that life abundant i was hearing earlier today. a healing to His people. peace! and security! in abundance! and that His plans are declared to prosper me and not to harm me but to give me hope and a future (jeremiah 29:11) and doesn't all this tangle in abundance? fullness?
life abundant. even in my abundant grief. and i am blessed.
"okay Lord, what does that mean?" i ask Him in a tone that is clearly punishable.
silence. i ask, "a full life? ...full of what? grief?" still i am short tempered and He is so gracious.
"abundant grief."
and i know that blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted ( matthew 5:4 ) and a women asked me, "where's the blessing in this?" her son taken in a car wreck. i had no proper words to speak back to her. floundering i tried, "the blessing in the grief we feel is the deep comfort that comes only from He who is Comfort." and i know it's not what she wants to hear and that this and all it's painful blisters upon our hearts is part of life abundant? a life full of Grace?
death was not part of His plan but we've been tasting it since the fall. for if, by the trespass of the one man [adam], death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in the life through the one man, Jesus Christ. ( romans 5:17) still, He has mercy and extends His comfort so deeply for those who mourn that we are blessed. to taste death and to feel it's bitterness melting into my tongue and its tight grief-grip around my heart, and if i let Him get close enough He'll comfort me to the point of a blessing. and i will emerge lighter and closer to Him for it.
life abundant. full life. that kind of "drinking from my saucer" kind of full and my lap is wet with an abundant tidal wave of tears. and compassion. and love. and i except the good with the bad from a God who is good all the time and more faithful then i could ever be at my best.
later this day i reach for my bible in a strange almost-drop-it kind of reach because i don't want to get up out of my warm bed. it's quite a reach. finally...got...it...my bible opens funny on my lap to jeremiah 33. i look down and my eyes rest on it; and i know this was a Divine strange almost-drop-it kind of reach because it speaks to me affirmations of how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that i may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (ephesians 3:18) and my eyes cloud over as i read the words and i have to squeeze out the love tears so that i can read the verse to the end: jeremiah 33:6 nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. knowing full well this is no way to study my bible, i just can't help but think, this is part of that life abundant i was hearing earlier today. a healing to His people. peace! and security! in abundance! and that His plans are declared to prosper me and not to harm me but to give me hope and a future (jeremiah 29:11) and doesn't all this tangle in abundance? fullness?
life abundant. even in my abundant grief. and i am blessed.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
nesting on the Rock
yesterday it rained. it drizzled. it poured. it drizzled and poored some more. it was mucky and dreary and mostly dark. out the back window, i saw often, a busy red breasted feathered flyer. busy. flittering this way and fluttering that way. twigs long and short. thick and flimsy. mostly scrappy. one at a time, several times in minutes. she, busy building, nesting somewhere very near my kitchen window. i would hear her chipper song through pounding droplets beating the roof over my head and i wondered if she knew how joyful she sounded. i wondered if she was praising the God that i was grumbling at? i wondered if she too went silent, would i hear a chorus of praise echo from the rocks i'd dug from the garden?
today too started dreary. i stepped onto the deck and immediately looked to the window from where i saw the robin flying and there it was. a nest. all put together in less then one short 24 hour day. how in the world? this bird with tiny brain and hollow bones, has put together a master piece of wood and grass and jigsawed them into a cradle of shelter strong and safe enough to train up another legacy, another generation. snuggled in behind a light and before the house, one of the most uniquely beautiful reminders of all that is stored up for a treasure that she will one soon day birth and train up. treasure stored up.
my eyes rest on the deck below and catch sight of another nest. she has made two. perhaps a decoy? one that appears to be her home so as to lure the sparrow and blue jay away from her young? her home insurance? her health insurance for her babies? she has made two nest. stored up treasures of wood and grass and build for her family and safe haven.
stored up treasure.
what am i storing up? where do i lay my twigs and grass and for whom do i weave security as strong as hers? my own young running through my own nest and i am wondering how often do they hear me whistle praise as i go about my day? how often to do i remember they are not my young but His. given me to point to Him on high. do i store up for myself and provide purses that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. for where my treasure is, there my heart will be also. (luke 12:33b-34)
knowing i try and trying is not enough, i am reminded that i will never be enough and grace is deep and i am drowning. what am i storing and for whom? for what do i toil? for whom do i toil for? do i sing throughout my day praising He who is to be praised as i go about my work given me, by He who ask for my all? a work set to the soundtrack of praise. work given me by He who says that i must die so that i may live. a daily dying. a moment by moment death of oneself and i am strong and my will full flesh is more then i should ever let it be. it's almost enough to be discouraged but i remember that early i must rise so that early i must fall into the grave to be covered by Grace and blood that washes the dirtiest clean.
not once did i see the robin stop to sigh. she didn't stop to chat with a feathered sister, another whose belly is growing with offspring, to talk about all the building she had to do today before the sun went down. she went about her work of building. singing all the way, and through the rain!
i wonder... why is my heart not light as her small frail body that flies between pounding droplets thrown from a heavy sky and she is not tired? she is not weary? she, who sleeps standing up?
it's as if she has no inner struggle. no earthly flesh. no desire of her own to drag her in another direction. is she not part of this fallen world? is it not true that to this day the lion cannot lay by the lamb? though i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. what a wretch i am! who will rescue me from the body of death? thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! (romans 7:23-25)
swimming in Grace like the busy robin flying through a down poor, i remember that i am led by the Spirit of God and i am a daughter of God. for i did not receive a spirit that makes me a slave again to fear, but i received the Spirit of daughtership. and by Him i cry, Abba! Father! the Spirit himself testifies with my spirit that i am God's child, now if i am a child, then an heir-heir of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed i share in his sufferings in order that i may also share in his glory. (roman 8: 13-17)
for once i see this nest as not the reminder of all that i fail in. not a reminder of storing up treasure and where and what do i store and for whom? no longer do i hear her joyful singing and feel bad that it wasn't me too, singing in the rain. i see her nest and it looks like a crown of victory over my failures and my struggles and unworthiness. a rough a messy crown, much like my rough and messy life, but round and strong nonetheless. royal and poised, built behind the light and it is He that goes before me, to prepare a place for me. she built that nest because the Creator has spoken in into the her ear and she simply obeyed without worry she'd fail. she simply obeyed and went about her business. her business for the King.
i stand tall on my feet now, for i am daughter of the King who will reign victorious over all that i fail at, over all that i triumph over through Him. her nest on the back deck, a royal reminder that one day i will have crowns to throw at His feet and that this day, while very imperfect and full of pain will one day melt into an eternity of days full of His Glorious reign over all that is imperfect and painful and all my tears are wiped away. then all my tears are wiped away. and i hear chirping from the back deck, a song of praise that i too sing.
today too started dreary. i stepped onto the deck and immediately looked to the window from where i saw the robin flying and there it was. a nest. all put together in less then one short 24 hour day. how in the world? this bird with tiny brain and hollow bones, has put together a master piece of wood and grass and jigsawed them into a cradle of shelter strong and safe enough to train up another legacy, another generation. snuggled in behind a light and before the house, one of the most uniquely beautiful reminders of all that is stored up for a treasure that she will one soon day birth and train up. treasure stored up.
stored up treasure.
what am i storing up? where do i lay my twigs and grass and for whom do i weave security as strong as hers? my own young running through my own nest and i am wondering how often do they hear me whistle praise as i go about my day? how often to do i remember they are not my young but His. given me to point to Him on high. do i store up for myself and provide purses that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. for where my treasure is, there my heart will be also. (luke 12:33b-34)
knowing i try and trying is not enough, i am reminded that i will never be enough and grace is deep and i am drowning. what am i storing and for whom? for what do i toil? for whom do i toil for? do i sing throughout my day praising He who is to be praised as i go about my work given me, by He who ask for my all? a work set to the soundtrack of praise. work given me by He who says that i must die so that i may live. a daily dying. a moment by moment death of oneself and i am strong and my will full flesh is more then i should ever let it be. it's almost enough to be discouraged but i remember that early i must rise so that early i must fall into the grave to be covered by Grace and blood that washes the dirtiest clean.
not once did i see the robin stop to sigh. she didn't stop to chat with a feathered sister, another whose belly is growing with offspring, to talk about all the building she had to do today before the sun went down. she went about her work of building. singing all the way, and through the rain!
i wonder... why is my heart not light as her small frail body that flies between pounding droplets thrown from a heavy sky and she is not tired? she is not weary? she, who sleeps standing up?
it's as if she has no inner struggle. no earthly flesh. no desire of her own to drag her in another direction. is she not part of this fallen world? is it not true that to this day the lion cannot lay by the lamb? though i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. what a wretch i am! who will rescue me from the body of death? thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! (romans 7:23-25)
swimming in Grace like the busy robin flying through a down poor, i remember that i am led by the Spirit of God and i am a daughter of God. for i did not receive a spirit that makes me a slave again to fear, but i received the Spirit of daughtership. and by Him i cry, Abba! Father! the Spirit himself testifies with my spirit that i am God's child, now if i am a child, then an heir-heir of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed i share in his sufferings in order that i may also share in his glory. (roman 8: 13-17)
for once i see this nest as not the reminder of all that i fail in. not a reminder of storing up treasure and where and what do i store and for whom? no longer do i hear her joyful singing and feel bad that it wasn't me too, singing in the rain. i see her nest and it looks like a crown of victory over my failures and my struggles and unworthiness. a rough a messy crown, much like my rough and messy life, but round and strong nonetheless. royal and poised, built behind the light and it is He that goes before me, to prepare a place for me. she built that nest because the Creator has spoken in into the her ear and she simply obeyed without worry she'd fail. she simply obeyed and went about her business. her business for the King.
i stand tall on my feet now, for i am daughter of the King who will reign victorious over all that i fail at, over all that i triumph over through Him. her nest on the back deck, a royal reminder that one day i will have crowns to throw at His feet and that this day, while very imperfect and full of pain will one day melt into an eternity of days full of His Glorious reign over all that is imperfect and painful and all my tears are wiped away. then all my tears are wiped away. and i hear chirping from the back deck, a song of praise that i too sing.
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