i am a conopy dweller

there are day's when i have a hard time seeing past my very own nose. days when all i can hear are my own thoughts, and generally speaking, they're not the best ones to listen to. i start on this ugly cadence of "whoa is me" & "i'll never be good enough" type gripping and before i know it, i'm sitting in the snake pit. it always takes me by surprise too - how can i not even realize i've walked away from communing with the Almighty?
UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! 
"i could just throw myself up!" this is a quote from a dear friend and this is exactly one of the times i feel i understand it.
last time i felt this way, i headed outside to lay under a tree for quietness and this is what i saw:

their is a whole other world up in that tree. birds, bats, bugs, microscopic things that i have no idea about. at first, i long to be one of the canopy dwellers. i think about how easy it must be to be one of them. i think about their purposes in life and weather or not they ever wonder about it themselves.

a whole other universe within the one i focus on.

multi universes within multi universes.

i'm reminded how my gripping and complaining is just one of the many ungrateful ways i disrespect my Lord. one of the ugly ways i question Him and what He's doing, without even noticing i'm doing it.

in an instant i am humbled and reminded how every single thing, every single one of us, has a purpose.

He has a plan for every single one of us - every single thing.

that even if we weren't planned by other earthly beings, that no matter our place, no matter our "station" in life - no matter what situation we find ourselves in - it's all part of a big picture. 

HIS big picture.

 we may not ever understand our walk, or never see the big picture, but we don't have to. trusting Him is enough. walking our walk - hand in His hand - it is enough. often times more then enough.

a few deep breaths, humble repentance, quiet time listening to my Lord sing over me, and i am restored.

feeling as high as the canopy dwellers, i quickly run into the house to get my son so he too can lay on his back, look into the canopy of the trees, and ponder God's great big world.

isaiah 55:8-9 :for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

psalms 139:13-16 for You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful i know that full well. my frame was not hidden from You when i was made in the secret place. when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body . all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

zephaniah 3:17 the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Lord, make my heart a circle

 while praying, crying out, pleading with the Lord on behalf of another; begging for clear signals to be received by a pliable heart, my wet eyes a river unending, i ask the Holy Spirit to murmur in the Lords ear, the things i don't know how to pray, and i hear it.
 His voice familiar, always rich in love, "I know not what that is because you are in the way."
 my river quickly a rushing tidal wave and i am humbled. "search me Lord, shine your light in the corners of my heart, the corners where i hide me from you, where i need to make things right with you."
 arms outstretched i think of a dark room with a flash light scanning corners and instead i'm shown a room with nothing but corners. not four wall, not four corners, a room with sharp angles and all corners, turning and pointing in every which way. a house of fun placed not in the carnival but in my heart. zigzagging and stopping in each corner of the jagged room, we meet face to face, in each and every one. welcomed into the familiar arms that i didn't even know i was missing. how has life become so busy that i don't make time for this on a daily - hourly - basis? how have i created this room of corners. "Lord, reshape this room into a circle - i want a circle not a heart. a room with no corners, no hiding places, no way to clog up the lines of communion. a circle of crystal clarity without blemish or spot. Lord make my heart a circle. "
 we talk for a while and i pray again, less selfishly for another for whom i am broken for, and i say amen in peace.