i am a conopy dweller

there are day's when i have a hard time seeing past my very own nose. days when all i can hear are my own thoughts, and generally speaking, they're not the best ones to listen to. i start on this ugly cadence of "whoa is me" & "i'll never be good enough" type gripping and before i know it, i'm sitting in the snake pit. it always takes me by surprise too - how can i not even realize i've walked away from communing with the Almighty?
UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! 
"i could just throw myself up!" this is a quote from a dear friend and this is exactly one of the times i feel i understand it.
last time i felt this way, i headed outside to lay under a tree for quietness and this is what i saw:

their is a whole other world up in that tree. birds, bats, bugs, microscopic things that i have no idea about. at first, i long to be one of the canopy dwellers. i think about how easy it must be to be one of them. i think about their purposes in life and weather or not they ever wonder about it themselves.

a whole other universe within the one i focus on.

multi universes within multi universes.

i'm reminded how my gripping and complaining is just one of the many ungrateful ways i disrespect my Lord. one of the ugly ways i question Him and what He's doing, without even noticing i'm doing it.

in an instant i am humbled and reminded how every single thing, every single one of us, has a purpose.

He has a plan for every single one of us - every single thing.

that even if we weren't planned by other earthly beings, that no matter our place, no matter our "station" in life - no matter what situation we find ourselves in - it's all part of a big picture. 

HIS big picture.

 we may not ever understand our walk, or never see the big picture, but we don't have to. trusting Him is enough. walking our walk - hand in His hand - it is enough. often times more then enough.

a few deep breaths, humble repentance, quiet time listening to my Lord sing over me, and i am restored.

feeling as high as the canopy dwellers, i quickly run into the house to get my son so he too can lay on his back, look into the canopy of the trees, and ponder God's great big world.

isaiah 55:8-9 :for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

psalms 139:13-16 for You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful i know that full well. my frame was not hidden from You when i was made in the secret place. when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body . all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

zephaniah 3:17 the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Lord, make my heart a circle

 while praying, crying out, pleading with the Lord on behalf of another; begging for clear signals to be received by a pliable heart, my wet eyes a river unending, i ask the Holy Spirit to murmur in the Lords ear, the things i don't know how to pray, and i hear it.
 His voice familiar, always rich in love, "I know not what that is because you are in the way."
 my river quickly a rushing tidal wave and i am humbled. "search me Lord, shine your light in the corners of my heart, the corners where i hide me from you, where i need to make things right with you."
 arms outstretched i think of a dark room with a flash light scanning corners and instead i'm shown a room with nothing but corners. not four wall, not four corners, a room with sharp angles and all corners, turning and pointing in every which way. a house of fun placed not in the carnival but in my heart. zigzagging and stopping in each corner of the jagged room, we meet face to face, in each and every one. welcomed into the familiar arms that i didn't even know i was missing. how has life become so busy that i don't make time for this on a daily - hourly - basis? how have i created this room of corners. "Lord, reshape this room into a circle - i want a circle not a heart. a room with no corners, no hiding places, no way to clog up the lines of communion. a circle of crystal clarity without blemish or spot. Lord make my heart a circle. "
 we talk for a while and i pray again, less selfishly for another for whom i am broken for, and i say amen in peace.

don't miss the answer to your prayers

  have you ever prayed for healing? a physical healing? an emotional healing? a healing in a relationship?
  while praying for healing do you have the tendency to ask God to do it your way?
  "Lord i really need _______ to get better because _________"
  "Lord  have been wounded by ______ and it feel so _______. please heal my heart so that i can __________"
 "Lord i would really like for this relationship to be healed because ________"
  does the Lord listen to my earthly asking and shake His head wondering why my worldly comprehension of this life is asking in His name for so little?
  earlier today i was asking for the Lord to heal a relationship that i know could use it. seeing it from the outside looking in, loving all involved, i pleaded with the Lord for a healing. a restoration.
  He asked me, "do you want me to make this relationship like it was before?"
  thinking for a moment i replied, "no Lord, that is just not good enough."
  the words escaped my mind in all truth and honesty, tumbling out of a heart that saw with eyes bigger then all the pain involved. in true humility and pure in my response i asked the Lord, "why should i pray for a healing? why pray for restoration? why not elevate it even higher to a place in which no one would have imagined today? made better then before? made better then just healed? made better then just restored? i don't want to pray for a healing in this relationship, and i don't want to see a restoration. i want to see a new beginning, a new relationship. one that surpasses just getting along. one that surpasses setting aside differences. one that is built on the fact that their is an enemy who seeks to destroy the family. prowling around the earth like a hungry lion and Your children, our family who love You and want to exalt Your name, are his ugly prime focus of destruction. make our love for one another be knit together in the knowledge of this horrific desire  from an enemy and patch it together with a Love that covers a multitude of sins. may the Love of Jesus and who He is and what He did bubbly over and into all our endeavors to love one another. if even it's original desire is just to defeat the enemy may it be our encouragement to rule over our tongues, minds and hearts with Your love thereafter - always."
  i didn't know how else to answer Him. i didn't know how better to pray for these loved ones who needed more then restoration.
  i was reminded that a long time ago, people, who loved the Lord, who sought after the promised Messiah, prayed for decades after decades, for an answer to all their pain, suffering and sin but didn't even recognize the answer to their prayers, because it didn't look they way they expected it to look.
  the answer to the sin problem of the world didn't come in fabulous robes and crown decked out in gems and gold, but came in a stable. didn't fulfill the earthly vision of Sabbath day observances and "work." wasn't dinning with other righteous people but cheaters and prostitutes. didn't die comfortably in a bed of fine linen's but was brutally beaten, scoffed, crucified and pierced.
  the answer to all our pain, suffering and sin didn't come in the way it was expected. no, it looked very different.
 so when i pray i must remember to look for an answer to my prayers everywhere - especially in places that i least expect them to be. and when i pray i must also be reminded that as i ask in His name, i must also remember the to ask big. ask beyond what i want and ask into the infinite realm far beyond my wildest dreams here on earth. ask God, for holy miracles. asking humbly, sincerely, from a pure heart, for us to have more reasons to proclaim His greatness and His mercies and His mighty power even in this too, a simply request of healing. of restoration. of relationships made new, built in Love, beyond any earthly comprehension.

hebrews 4:16 let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
    


 

coffee with the king revisited

 so remember that post coffee with the king? if not, here it is from the archives of march: http://onthesunnysideatthevillavillekulla.blogspot.com/2011/03/coffee-with-king.html otherwise, it's a post that i wrote to remind myself how wonderful quiet time with my Heavenly Father really is. how important it really is. to encourage myself to get back to it. to share how wonderful it was for me and to encourage you to try it. over at strivingforintention.blogspot.com it's my big challenge for the whole week. i'll be sharing how i get back to it, how it effects the rest of my day and how it effects my family too. i know for sure that it has a wonderful trickle down effect because i've experienced it first hand before.
  i just wanted to take a moment to give this blog a little attention, and send you over there if your at all in need of some good encouragement and/or truths about the importance of spending early time alone with the One who really wants us to fall deeply, madly and crazily in love with Him. let's court Him this week together, yes? 

striving for intention

  so lately i've noticed how unintentional i can be. how i think an awful lot about things i should do, or say, and just simply don't do it, or say it. weather i second guess myself or i'm just lazy - it's not good.
  i've decided to challenge myself to be intentional about at least one thing specifically each day and i'm writing about it over at www.strivingforintention.blogspot.com
  this doesn't mean the sunny side of life at the villa villekulla is going down, but for right now, i'm gonna really focus on this daily challenge of striving for intention. i'm really desiring a stretching, a growing, a ...  something, and perhaps this is it? if you feel so inclined, i'd like to personally take this time to invite you over there with me. let's just see what God has in store.

counting the ways He loves

   spawned on by ann voskamp's book one thousand gifts i am on a hunt, counting the many things throughout my days that i am thankful for; counting the many ways in which He loves me...
#42. long drives north in the spring.
#48. sleepless nights cuddling baby girl who is growing sooo fast
#49. a young son who wants to be held more
#79. flower sprouts that push up dirt
#93. children waking with a desire for morning devotions
#99. peace that lands in my heart when prayer is whispered to dark threatening clouds
#106. creaking wheels of tricycle ridden by generations of young children
#108. the sound of new leaves shifting against one another on a cool breeze
#111. smiles that infect the corners of eyes
#121. garlic bulbs round and fragrant kept protected by their own grown paper
#124. sisters in Christ who share and love and listen and encourage and help to grow me
#125. bright orange carrots, crunchy, fresh fully fragrant of earth and sweetness
#129. fresh cut roses bunched in narrow bottle, fragrant and color deepening on kitchen table
#133. quiet moments full of gratitude
#134. kitchen clean and waiting for another adventure with food, school, coffee, tea, dancing, stolen kisses with husband...with all that spills over with life
#140. house quiet and filling with lite, early, morning rays; expectation heavy in the air
#150. noticing a morning dove enjoying bird seed loving placed by one who loves morning doves
#151. crunchy garlic rubbed bread dressed with oil, basil and tomato
#152. hugs given and hugs received by tiny hands yet mighty hands and arms

friends? check yes or no

   remember when it was as easy as taking your seat on the bus or in class, or asking the other girls at the slide for your own turn, then BAM! instantly, friends were made. now at 32 years of age i am floundering. it's easy to ask myself why? what is wrong with me? am i too boring? but i have to be quick to cast away the enemy. some times i am quick, sometimes i am not.
   of coarse when i am invited out, in all my excitement and anxious nerves, i forget how to behave. my appetite flees, i run at the mouth with nothing to say, or i am so worried that i will say or do the something "wrong," that i do nothing at all, say nothing at all, and leave. what has happened to me? i am child of the King! created in His image, injected with the personality He desired for me, and still, i flounder. 
   today i received a call. tired and unable to communicate at any proper level i listened to someone tell me what a disappointment i was as a friend. that i didn't reciprocate our friendship in the manner that was expected. i think i might have even laughed a little, between sobs, and i know i said, "well i guess i just don't understand how the world works."
    it is a fear of mine that i am now fully quite excited to embrace. here it is: the fear that staying home with my children, no car during the day, only traveling to church and the grocery store and the occasional farmers market and local hard wear store, that i won't remember the ways of the world. that i will loose whatever culture i ever had (being raised in a quite plain community, really?).
   after this phone call i felt horrible. my guts would have felt better had i been able to loose them and my head would have stopped pounding, maybe, had it been severed. i prayed. i sang, "what a friend we have in Jesus." i prayed. i got angry and i prayed some more. i even made a quick phone call somewhere in the midst of all that, and was told i was "sweet." i almost corrected this person, "no, in fact i am quite terrible friend." i don't remember what i said to that "sweet" comment but i am sure i made it awkward.
   in a fit of clenched teeth prayer, tears rolling down hot cheeks, here is what i was reminded , "i am a child of the King. given this personality, heart, soul, by He who formed the earth God Himself. He loves me. He loves me the way i am. i am the way He designed me, He even understands my flesh better then i, or an enemy who seeks to destroy. where my heart has scars are now fresh bruises, but in there, on top of the mess, is room for grace. not only grace for me from Him, but grace for the first caller of the day. for the one who slung words of a friendship that did not return what was given. no way, were those words spoken out of a desire for blood. they came from another place. a place that too had been used to be treated badly, rotten and ugly. the accusations came from a heart also unsure how to behave in this world. because really, we who are Loved and Blessed are not of this world (romans 2:12) and this is not our home. and in this world with it's many wounds are just tons and tons of others who are fumbling through, trying to find their way, trying figure it all out. and perhaps we never will. perhaps that is all okay?
   perhaps, just perhaps, if we all treded a little lighter, slowed down the pace, just a little more, took the time to look and see and reflect, we would see that we are all in this together, bruised and scarred. that everyone really needs a good friend. that being an acquaintance of many, and having not just one friend, tried and true, is better by far because how much more easier, sweeter is the song then sung?
 what a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
 what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
 o what peace we often forfeit, o what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!
 have we trials and temptations? is there trouble anywhere? we should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer. can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer.
 are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Saviour, still our refuge - take it to the Lord in prayer. do thy friends despise forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer; in His arms He'll take and shield thee, thou wilt find a solace there.