the beautiful mess

   someone asked me, "so how does it feel to be 32 years old?"
   "umm," i reply, "hold on while i short through the mess." suddenly i am a mime. eyes closed. hands in front of my body searching through an invisible file folder. the familiar sound of social laughter is outside my head and inside i stand in a hallway in my mind. it's dim and leads only to rooms with signs on the doors that say things like feelings, emotions, insecurities etc etc. each one the mess of an extreme hoarder.
    i  hear the voice. the familiar, loving, warm voice. "that's not your mess to short through." the doors in the hallway swing wide open revealing years of mess on top of mess. in a blink the rooms are clean. in another blink, it all returns.
   it seems hours have past and it hasn't even been many seconds. looking back at someone, my "filing hands" now folded in my lap, i smile. a real smile. a warm and genuine smile, i give my answer, "it feels really good." knowing later i will have to chat with Him who calls me beloved and ask Him to search me. to show me how to hand it all to Him. the beautiful mess which is not me but somehow i paste it on my face and then try to hide it. 
   why do i allow myself to jump through hoops for an enemy who wants nothing but my destruction? get thee behind me! for my Savior stands near. 
   later that day, in a room full of many, i see all the beautiful messes. standing around chatting with one another. eating. i wonder, why do we pretend? when everyone is suffering, everyone is full of junk. weather we know it or not. my chest heavy with burden for all of the messes standing in the room who do not know the Savior. where do they turn? who will clean them up and set them free? my gratitude feels as deep as forever and with no end. my humble new beginning fourteens years ago. their needs to be more beginnings. more, here in this room. with much all around i cry a silent prayer to the only One who is master of fixing all messes.  'Lord, may they see You. really truly see You. may they desire You. really truly chase after You.' and then, i am handed a slice of birthday cake.